Not All Silence is Golden
by thrownhammer
Summary: [COMPLETE] A look inside Ellie's mind at what is troubling her as she stares quietly at the cave drawing on the Salt Lake City underpass, as they travel through the city she reflects back on her life in the orphanage.


Ellie looked at the impression of the deer in the side of the highways retaining wall in silence. She knew that the image use to mean something more, but she had no idea of what it was. Six months ago she would have asked Joel what it meant, but those days were gone along with her youthful innocence.

Joel had asked a hundred times, since the blizzard, about what was bothering her. At one point he even became angry and yelled at her; she had only spoken ten words in as many days and he had gotten irritated. He let it go and retaliated with the silent treatment and then eventually it just became habit that they didn't speak at all.

The past two days he had started talking again. Maybe he was finally lonely, maybe being close to a major city had awakened him, or maybe he simply realized that she would probably never be allowed to leave the hospital had sunken in.

She realized a while ago that if the Fireflies needed her blood or something to make the cure that she would be the goose that laid the golden egg and they would lock her up in a glass cell and protect her at all costs. They would never allow her to leave there again.

They had often talked about where they would go and what they would do after they went to the hospital, but those conversations became more and more of a fantasy until they both gave up. The last time he had talked about their future together, he said he wanted to take her to a place called Disneyland to see the stuff there. Of course it would be a ruin, but he said she would still be awestruck.

But, that was kid stuff. One could argue that she stopped being a child when she had killed that man. Or, that her childhood ended when she lost her virginity; thirteen was the new thirty. The people in the zone encouraged girls to lose their virginity as soon as they felt like it; it was better to be a willing participant the first time. The world had gone from wanting virginity until marriage, to virginity until you met 'the right' person, to lose it before it's taken from you. Yet another piece of tragic commentary on the decline of the age of mankind; which apparently left womankind laying in the gutter.

"Whatcha thinking about?"

"Nothing Joel," she sighed. She looked at him for a long moment. She had realized that they loved each other a long time ago- nothing sexual mind you, but it wasn't a father / daughter type love either. She couldn't place it, but they would both die and kill for the other; in this world that was a rarity.

Staring at him, the lines around his eyes and the gray hairs she did find attractive. She could count on one hand the number of people she had known with gray hair. After they saw the monkeys at the college she had gotten a book about them at the library there. She remembered reading that female gorillas always wanted to mate with the male with the most gray hair; they were called Silver Backs. They saw their age as a symbol of survivability. He was an attractive man, but she knew any sort of romantic inclinations would need to wait a few years.

He raised an eyebrow; she had stared at him a long time. She nodded her head forward and walked past him.

She sighed deeply, years? What a joke. She rarely planned for the next week; there was no point.

She hadn't realized until two months ago that encouraging teenage sex had nothing to do with who you lost your virginity to and everything to do with upping the birthrate. Mankind was dying out due to a lack of reproduction as much as the infection.

The orphanage had always said 'do it as soon as you're ready' while pushing a boy and girl in a closet together and locking the door for the night. They also kicked girls out at fifteen unless they had an infant child and any girl with three kids or more could join the staff. The women on staff there and the ones with more than three kids got more rations and better quality personal items, like clothes and shoes.

Luckily, her first time having sex was an unmitigated disaster and it had turned her off to the concept. It was common for the kids to go to a 'bedroom' at the end of the hall for the evening's entertainment, which was either having sex or watching others do it. It's not like there was an overabundance of privacy anywhere; families all lived in one room to share body heat and that led to sex being more out in the open. Other forms of entertainment were next to nothing.

She had unfortunately picked out a boy her own age, that she really liked, but he was a virgin too. Their painful fumbling around made that nights show a comedy, as all the other kids teased them and laughed at their ineptitude. After that, she had resigned herself to never go into that room again and instead she read in the twilight hours.

In their effort to increase the birthrate, they taught young people very little about sex, STDs, pregnancy, or birth control. Men were removed from the birthing process and midwives once again took over that role.

That ignorance all led to her current silence. It had been at least two months since her last period and she couldn't think about anything else. She hadn't been with anyone… that she could remember. That creep had choked her out once at the ski lodge and then later he had beaten her unconscious when she broke his finger. She had lost multiple hours both times.

When she was fighting him in the restaurant, she knew that he was going to rape her, but never wondered if he already had. She didn't even think about it until after Joel found her; there was blood in her urine which alarmed her.

"Ellie? Ellie!"

"Huh?"

"The ladder?"

"Oh right, sure…"

Her body was changing, but then wasn't it supposed to now? Her jeans didn't really fit anymore, including the legs; she had grown three inches in the past year.

After lowering the ladder, she had one of the most awe-inspiring moments of her young life as she and Joel watched the herd of giraffe and Joel was even able to get her close enough to pet one before it wandered back to the rest of the herd.

She stood there transfixed as she heard Joel open the door, "Come on…"

As she stared out at the beautiful scene, the words simply fell out of her mouth and once spoken could never be taken back, "I'm pregnant."

She heard him gently close the door and slowly release the rusty knob. A full two minutes must have crawled by, but she couldn't bring herself to turn around.

"How…" he finally managed in a voice so gentle she thought him incapable of it.

"Jesus Joel…" she sighed. She had always imagined him screaming at her for being so stupid.

"You know what I mean. When- who?!"

She shrugged, "The creep at the restaurant I guess…"

"You guess?"

The giraffes were long gone she stared at the sky and said slowly, "He choked me out one time and another time he beat me unconscious and I think I was out all night."

"But, how do you know?"

"Well I peed blood for a few days…"

He exhaled and she could feel his warm breath, she hadn't heard him walk over to her, "Did it hurt here on either side?" he asked as he touched her lower back.

She nodded, "Yeah, a lot on both sides…"

"Well that has nothing to do with nothing; he punched you or kicked you in the kidney's. That normally happens. Bastard probably did it on purpose."

"Well, I haven't… since then. That's been like three months, so that means I have to be pregnant- right?"

He did the last thing she ever expected, now or ever; he laughed, really laughed as he must not have in years. If she wasn't so shocked she would be enraged. "Hell, that doesn't mean anything!"

"Huh? That doesn't mean I'm…"

"No," he chuckled. "Bunch of different things could cause that." She turned and looked at him for the first time, eyes begging for answers. He took off his backpack and sat on a ruined desk after testing its fortitude and motioned for her to join him.

"It didn't make a lot of sense in my era, but History wasn't always like that. Most of the time it was like this: living day-to-day, fighting for survival, always hunting for the next meal. Your body has evolved to be smarter than your brain." He got out a canteen and took a sip before offering it to her. She drank more thankful for the distraction than for the water.

"If you're not getting enough food, or the right type of food, your body will shut that down knowing that you can't feed yourself much less anyone else. Basically it means you're a shitty hunter…" She forced a laugh, starting to feel at ease.

"Also," he continued, "If you're under a lot of stress: running for your life, fighting, hiding, climbing, and not sleeping well, your body will shut down too. It knows that you couldn't run away from lions or clickers or- whatever if you're carrying a baby- inside or out."

"Jesus…" she blinked hopefully.

"I think you're fine. So, as far as you know he didn't do anything to you?" She nodded. "Well, I would keep thinking that way. No sense fretting over what don't matter and you can't remember. Here, stand here and lift up your shirt- the bottom of it." She did as he asked, "There's nothing in there, including breakfast. That's why you've been quiet this whole time?"

She nodded.

"Well next time speak up…" he shook his head. "If it makes you feel any better they'll ask you a million times at the hospital if you are, not listen to you anyway, and then check for themselves. Come on, let's get you there…"

"Joel?" he raised an eyebrow and she hugged him before he could stop her, "Thanks…"

She was surprised when he rubbed her head gently, "Anytime Ellie girl. Let's finish this, when we're done we can go see the Mormon Tabernacle…"

She had no earthly idea what that was or where, but she nodded, "I've always wanted to see it…" she smiled.


End file.
